So I have been Absent. Absent with myself, with life and just in general. This last year has changed me in many ways.
From physically my lifestyle adjustments and always trying to be in “tune” with my body even though most times I just don’t worry. Mentally it has made a hot mess. For the most part, I used to be a very happy, positive and hilarious( well I think my jokes are funny) person. I lived to make people smile, and to make everyone happy. Seeing people happy just brought Joy and a sense of Calm to me. This year has sucked the joy out of everything at times making it difficult to even get out of bed in the morning.
The toughest hurdle in my journey was not realizing that you can most definitely have panic attacks and not see them coming. No matter how much you prepare for them , they can happen. Your body and mind I guess are not in sync when a flashback or a memory comes on. For example, about the day before my one year “Clotiversary” as some people call it , I felt really weird. All I did was cry, and when I was done white girl crying and put on my big girl undies I went to work…. and guess what .. I cried some more… It felt like my whole body had a case of redbull and than some and I just couldn’t focus. So I went home and sobbed like a baby. For hours. Than my therapist called me and gave me some advice and to maybe not rehash that day and try to do something positive so the rush of physical symptoms begin to ease…. So of course I did some retail therapy and had a coffee while people watching in Starbucks. It did help, it really did. But still I was so confused as to why there was such a disassociation with my body and my mind. I just had to let it go…
So about a month or so has passed since than and I still have cranky, miserable days but I am working on finding ONE thing positive in every day. ONE…
In reality, I know this could quite possibly happen again and as the doctors said ” I may not be so lucky next time” . But for today I just remember that when I wake up I can breathe… and all the other physical and mental ailments just start to seem a little smaller.
On a brighter note, i have so much halloween candy at home it is disgusting. So when I go home I will be disgusting and make that bowl a little less full 😉
Have a lovely day,